Compliments, part two
January 27, 2012 § 9 Comments
The other side to the issue of compliments is giving, of course. I realized today that when cross-dressed I am much less likely to give a woman I don’t know a compliment. I become hyper self-aware and worry that a comment about someone’s amazing heels might lose its value when given by a transvestite.
This is a big issue, and one I think worth consideration.
Comparisons with transvestites are often used as insults to women. When their performance of femininity is judged to be a bit over the top, they are compared to those for whom femininity is not innate.
Of course, gender-warriors* such as myself often really dig women who rock an unnatural look. False eyelashes and towering heels are the stock look for girls on the town at the moment, and I am convinced it’s a look that has come from the tranny scene, via gay stylists. “Girlfriend, you look fierce” is not a heteronormative phrase.
So when today on my travels I saw a beautiful pair of spikey knee-high boots, I held back from expressing my admiration on case she then wrote them off as the sort of thing a tranny would admire.
Which is a shame, I think.
Postmodern trannyblog 
Not all of us girlies are so sensitive. Admittedly it does depend on how much I appreciate the style of the transvestite giving the compliment, style is a very subjective thing. I for one know that I am glad to get a compliment from anyone whose style I admire, be they gay, straight, male, female,, transvestite or some combination of the above. I do think that the lines between the genders has blurred slightly in the last few years, look at the whole trend for androgyny on the catwalks. You always run the risk of aomeone not being happy about being complimented, but I do think a lot of times that is due to people’s own insecurities. If someone looks fabulous, just tell them!
That should say you always run the risk of offending someone…
I’ll give you this compliment, your blog always amuses and gets me thinking.
I think most women wouldn’t get upset by you telling them they look good. For a start, as a hetero man, you know what you like in the looks of a woman. Secondly, you know more about female fashion than the usual man. Besides, every woman likes a sincere compliment.
Some genderspastic people don’t have their looks worked out yet. Being compared to, or complimented by, them might upset some. But you do have your own style. You have your own very personal fashion sense. People would see that. I think everyone wants to have their own style that represents and suits them so well. You rock it.
To be fair, I think your concerns are somewhat founded. Whilst most women would (or in my opinion _should_) be flattered, there are transphobic people, or even just people who innocently have no understanding of transvestitism and think of the high-performance or (as you put it) old-school transvestites. Add in that you’re not wearing mainstream fashions, and you might have them totally perplexed on how to take it. It’s also built on that bedrock of Britishness – “oh my god why is a stranger talking to me?” which sometimes undermines well-meaning compliments with suspiciousness. Which is frankly stupid.
I guess it’s a case-by-case basis of how open minded you think they might be. If your compliment is diminished by their opinion/lack of understanding on transvestites, though, I think that’s THEIR problem.
On a similar theme: there’s the problem of just looking at women.
As a male transvestite I’m naturally quite interested in what women are wearing. But when you’re looking someone up and down, you’re nearly always assumed to be checking them out, undressing them as it were.
Perhaps I should wear a t-shirt: “No, I’m looking at your clothes, not your body. Really!”
It’s interesting you say this. I’ve a friend who’s transitioning, and she finds herself FAR more likely to compliment women than in her former life, in part because random dudes telling women they look good can be interpreted as intrusive/creepy (because it often is).
Aww. While I do understand where you’re coming from here, I think it’s a shame both for the people who are biting their tongues and the people who are shutting themselves off from the praise of friends and strangers alike. I’m part of a pretty thriving *queer community, singing in a gay choir and generally living in a place where I feel like people who live alternate lifestyles of all sorts are fairly accepted (nothing’s perfect but, you know, I’m pretty happy with where I’m at). I am a frequent admirer of the overall styles and attitudes my alty friends support (and own, righteously!), so compliments from them often feel that extra measure of good.
The short version of this answer is also, in a small way, some degree of bafflement. A lot of the transpeople I’ve met (men and women) carry more vavoom (in a lot of different ways, mind) than I feel like I can pull off. If a trans woman told me I looked damn good in those heels, I think I’d be walking on clouds the rest of the day!
That is, until I tripped and fell on my face. I’m… not awesome, at high heels. But that’s an entirely separate issue.
Personally, I much prefer compliments from transvestites, drag queens, or feminine males. I feel like their compliments are coming from a shared sense of style and yes, I feel like they are genuinely appreciating my look. As far as compliments from straight males go, I often assume that they are creepy/have ulterior motives on some level.
As a female who dresses over the top, it’s wonderful getting positive feedback from someone else who dresses femininely over the top!
I’ve never held back from complimenting you! xxx